Pointless, cont.

Sometimes I wonder if this is worth it or if I'm just leading myself on to think otherwise.

I'm feeling really tired today because I only got 2-3 hours of sleep last night. Have you ever had to call a police department because you were worried about someone? Yeah, I don't recommend it. I wish I had the ability to half-ass things. You know what I mean? Sometimes I wish I could drop my "in it to win it" attitude and just walk through things like a zombie. Like what's the point (hence, pointless) in putting myself into something when I get next to nothing in return? I'm trying to re-evaluate my life to find the source of my perfectionistic attitude and I can't seem to pinpoint it. I've always been a passionate person and when I fall, I fall HARD. Every heartbreak, every rejection...I always took it pretty hard. And I always came back FIERCE (Tyra would be proud). But it's that in-between stage that really, really sucks.

Aren't crushes weird? Today, I was thinking about the guys I've liked and pursued and it's funny to think that at one point, I thought that he was "the one." But then the next one came, followed by the next and it was like...things just got better. Or maybe I was surrounding myself with better people. But no one beats that first crush. I remember mine. His name was Chris and he was in my kindergarten class at this private school I attended in downtown Kansas City. I had just moved to America then and when I saw this blonde-haired, blue-eyed boy...I was definitely in it to win it. I remember during nap time, sharing a blanket and giggling about that lame girl snoring. Even then, I put in a lot of effort trying to impress Chris. We were both selected to color this HUGE picture of Jesus for Easter service (I've always been after the over-achievers) and I remember bumping heads as we colored Jesus' beard. I will need to find that picture taken of us together and post it on here some day.

Anyway, not really sure what the point of this entry was. I guess I just wanted to ramble. I feel like this weekend has been THE LONGEST EVER and I can't wait for another work week. I'm feeling too lethargic to head to the gym just yet, so I think I'm going to finish off Season 2 of GREEK, take a napski and then work on my fitness.

- J.